All I can say is OH MY GOD!!!! Right now it is 9:56 PM and everyone except Alex is still up. I feel like my skin is slowly slipping away from my bones...and I can not fully take a deep breath. As I write my 10 year old Richie is jumping on the couch right next to me in our living room and WILL NOT just lay down and go to sleep. I am used to this, for it has been his routine since birth. He sleeps from 11:30 PM till 7:30 AM. Just today has been a particularly more stressful than usual. I'm not quite sure why though, but I just feel very angry. Studying for Richie's spelling test with him doesn't really help either though. It is madding how one minute he knows the word the next it's gone. By evening all of his medicine for ADHD has worn off and he has a hard time sitting at the table let alone trying to spell words.
Another incident that occurred today was that Richie discovered Porn on the computer. Yes, I said PORN!!! He actually typed it into the search bar on Yahoo and up came all of the naked girls you could ever google! I was shocked! Never did I think I had to worry about this kind of thing with a ten year old. Why is this allowed? Why are these sites so easily accessed? Why are they free to anyone? In this world where nothing is EVER FREE you can just type in ass (which is a donkey in the Bible) and see all the actual ASS you want! Maybe if they asked you for your date of birth that would throw some of the younger kids for a loop and at least deter some of them! I don't know, but something has to be done to protect our young children! SO when I set the parental controls on my computer he had a full fledged melt down...even kicked another hole in the wall in our hallway. And to tell you the truth the Block is a real pain in the ass for me as well. Maybe I don't know how to use it correctly or something, but they should make these things with parents in mind, that's for dam sure! So now everytime I wnt to change a page I have to put in a darn pass word. This just can't be right. I just want to make it so no nudity or sex can come up on the screen...is that soooo hard? Anyway I guess nothing in life can just be easy!
It's now 10:45 PM. Jacob is lying in my bed watching a Batman cartoon, Richie is on the couch watching Battle Las Angeles and Lilly is in her bed moaning about how she can't sleep. I have one more load of laundry to dry and fold and I am ready to pass out. This has been my life for more time than I'd like to remember now. Morning..showers, dressing, breakfast and school. Mom..Home..dishes, cleaning, laundry, laundry and more laundry. Afternoon..HOMEWORK, snack, football, cheer, and or basketball. Night..dinner, studing and a whole lot of yelling..GO TO BED! More laundry and more dishes..fall into bed between 12 and 1 AM, just to do the whole thing over again the next day. On top of it all during the day while the kids are at school my husband Rich calls me about 17 times to make sure I am doing something productive with everyminute of my free time. Why is it called free time anyway there is nothing free about it.
Well the old folks keep telling me I'm goig to miss all this one day...the sad part is I think they are right! We as a species never are happy with what we have..it's what keeps WANT alive!
Four Little Sprouts
Summertime
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
You Gotta Start Somewhere!!
Well I've been meaning to do this for some time now. I haven't written anything in over ten years. In my youth I always just thought I would write like it was just going to happen with no effort! Well guess what? Something happened alright! LIFE happened. In the past 11 years I have gotten married and had four kids who are now 10, 8, 7 and 4. They have changed every single thing about me and us. I Love being a mom I Hate being a housewife. I have completely lost my identity even down to not possessing a valid drivers licsens. It expired five years ago and in that time I have pathetically never had the time or money to retake the test and obtain a new one. Everything is for the kids...
My family...Lets see. There is myself...I am 40 years old this past Oct.22. I have always loved my birthday and always had big Halloween parties to celebrate it. That was about 10 yrs. ago. This year I received nothing from no one. My mom made cupcakes with Lilly two nights before and her and the kids stuck a candle in one and sang Happy Birthday to me before my mom went home on the Sunday after my Birthday. We did go to my 7 yr old's Flag Football Fundraiser on the night of my birthday. We were so broke that night I couldn't even eat dinner all we could order was an appetizer. Some of the coaches bought me drinks so I thought we would have a little money left over for some Mc D's on the way home, but of course my wonderful husband had to make up in the drinks he didn't have to buy me himself. So of course any money I thought we had we did not. It is not any one's fault really but it would have been nice just to be thought of. Like if he had the kids do SOMETHING to celebrate my birthday would have made me happy. But that is Rich...if he can't buy you the Hope Diamond than you get nothing!
Some mindless people in the last few days have asked me how I felt about being 40. Like I have had time to sit down and think about it ! All of the things I once felt like I could ONE DAY accomplish now feel like things I can mark off as NEVER accomplishing. All I have to do is walk by a mirror or store front window to see the biggest of my wasted years, on putting off something I should have done years ago. My weight is aging my body and I can't seem to change it. I have GOOD excuses but in the end that's all they are but excuses. Money again plays a huge roll in the way I eat. Believe me if I could hire a private Chef or buy one of those pre-packaged meal plans I think I might be able to brain wash my self into actually doing it. But as long as all I can afford to make each week is meatloaf, spaghetti, and chicken parts there isn't much hope. Not only do I have bad eating habits but I have bad eating patterns as well. I will go all day eating nothing till sometimes 7 or 8 PM. Than we will get some kind of high calorie fast food and eat twice as much as I should. My metabolism is shut down from not eating all day so when I overload it with calories it turns them all into fat because it thinks it is starving. So you can see, I know what I have to do I just can't figure out HOW!!
Now aside from being FAT...I SMOKE! Of course...what did you expect. I'm screaming ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!! Smoking, I was supposed to quit every birthday, anniversary and new year of my life since my mom found out I started. I was almost successful once. After Lilly was born I got sick with bronchitis and I had like a dream about my Aunt Jeanette who died from LC when I was 19. I don't know, but I quit for like 6 months and went out one night for drinks and threw it all away with just one drag of a Newport. God I still feel the guilt over it! I love cigarettes! I don't know how else to say it. They calm me down and comfort me! I know it's all in my head but it is what it is...what can I say...I'm being honest. I MUST QUIT! ONEDAY!
Rich..What can I say about my husband. Everythinh is a scale with him. Love, emotions and security. He is a good father. He is always there for his children. That is as far as I could go on him right now.
Richie..is my beautiful 10 year old son. He is a hard boy to raise but I love him fiercly. He has ADHD the hyperactivity level being the most of his problems. He is very loving when he wants to be and very kind hearted. He will give up something of his own to make someone else happy. He is very smart and great at every sport he has ever played. He is now this year playing tackle football for a fourth grade AYFO team. He is one of there best players!
Lilly..is a wonderful daughter I couldn't ask for anything better!! She has figured out our family dynamic better than me and found a way to strive through it with out any lumps and bumps. She is a success at everything she tries and an A student in school. She has started cheerleading this year and has taught herself to do all of the moves and jumps as if she has taken lessons for the past 5 years! I love my beautiful angel with all my heart...She is my blessing to all!
Alex..Is my special boy. The doctors put me through the ringer over Alex. First he may have Downs than he wasn't thriving in my womb. I finally decided to ignor all of them and eventually gave birth to a 8llb. 6oz. beautiful healthy baby boy! Alex is a big boy...about the size of a fourth or fifth grader although he is just in first grade. He is very smart. He has a smile that lights up a room. He is shy sometimes and is very emotional and or sensitive others. He is the fist one to cry if his father and I are fighting. I thank God I have my Alex in my life and love him with all my heart.
Jacob..My oranged hair baby. My love my savior. When ever I pine over the fact that Richie no longer wants to play with toys or go down the slide I have Jacob to rescue me! Question is how do I stop him from growing, because this is it...NO more babies! One day it will be just me or just us or just me. Who knows now I can't see past tomorrow!!!
My family...Lets see. There is myself...I am 40 years old this past Oct.22. I have always loved my birthday and always had big Halloween parties to celebrate it. That was about 10 yrs. ago. This year I received nothing from no one. My mom made cupcakes with Lilly two nights before and her and the kids stuck a candle in one and sang Happy Birthday to me before my mom went home on the Sunday after my Birthday. We did go to my 7 yr old's Flag Football Fundraiser on the night of my birthday. We were so broke that night I couldn't even eat dinner all we could order was an appetizer. Some of the coaches bought me drinks so I thought we would have a little money left over for some Mc D's on the way home, but of course my wonderful husband had to make up in the drinks he didn't have to buy me himself. So of course any money I thought we had we did not. It is not any one's fault really but it would have been nice just to be thought of. Like if he had the kids do SOMETHING to celebrate my birthday would have made me happy. But that is Rich...if he can't buy you the Hope Diamond than you get nothing!
Some mindless people in the last few days have asked me how I felt about being 40. Like I have had time to sit down and think about it ! All of the things I once felt like I could ONE DAY accomplish now feel like things I can mark off as NEVER accomplishing. All I have to do is walk by a mirror or store front window to see the biggest of my wasted years, on putting off something I should have done years ago. My weight is aging my body and I can't seem to change it. I have GOOD excuses but in the end that's all they are but excuses. Money again plays a huge roll in the way I eat. Believe me if I could hire a private Chef or buy one of those pre-packaged meal plans I think I might be able to brain wash my self into actually doing it. But as long as all I can afford to make each week is meatloaf, spaghetti, and chicken parts there isn't much hope. Not only do I have bad eating habits but I have bad eating patterns as well. I will go all day eating nothing till sometimes 7 or 8 PM. Than we will get some kind of high calorie fast food and eat twice as much as I should. My metabolism is shut down from not eating all day so when I overload it with calories it turns them all into fat because it thinks it is starving. So you can see, I know what I have to do I just can't figure out HOW!!
Now aside from being FAT...I SMOKE! Of course...what did you expect. I'm screaming ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!! Smoking, I was supposed to quit every birthday, anniversary and new year of my life since my mom found out I started. I was almost successful once. After Lilly was born I got sick with bronchitis and I had like a dream about my Aunt Jeanette who died from LC when I was 19. I don't know, but I quit for like 6 months and went out one night for drinks and threw it all away with just one drag of a Newport. God I still feel the guilt over it! I love cigarettes! I don't know how else to say it. They calm me down and comfort me! I know it's all in my head but it is what it is...what can I say...I'm being honest. I MUST QUIT! ONEDAY!
Rich..What can I say about my husband. Everythinh is a scale with him. Love, emotions and security. He is a good father. He is always there for his children. That is as far as I could go on him right now.
Richie..is my beautiful 10 year old son. He is a hard boy to raise but I love him fiercly. He has ADHD the hyperactivity level being the most of his problems. He is very loving when he wants to be and very kind hearted. He will give up something of his own to make someone else happy. He is very smart and great at every sport he has ever played. He is now this year playing tackle football for a fourth grade AYFO team. He is one of there best players!
Lilly..is a wonderful daughter I couldn't ask for anything better!! She has figured out our family dynamic better than me and found a way to strive through it with out any lumps and bumps. She is a success at everything she tries and an A student in school. She has started cheerleading this year and has taught herself to do all of the moves and jumps as if she has taken lessons for the past 5 years! I love my beautiful angel with all my heart...She is my blessing to all!
Alex..Is my special boy. The doctors put me through the ringer over Alex. First he may have Downs than he wasn't thriving in my womb. I finally decided to ignor all of them and eventually gave birth to a 8llb. 6oz. beautiful healthy baby boy! Alex is a big boy...about the size of a fourth or fifth grader although he is just in first grade. He is very smart. He has a smile that lights up a room. He is shy sometimes and is very emotional and or sensitive others. He is the fist one to cry if his father and I are fighting. I thank God I have my Alex in my life and love him with all my heart.
Jacob..My oranged hair baby. My love my savior. When ever I pine over the fact that Richie no longer wants to play with toys or go down the slide I have Jacob to rescue me! Question is how do I stop him from growing, because this is it...NO more babies! One day it will be just me or just us or just me. Who knows now I can't see past tomorrow!!!
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